Ugilicious

Ugilicious = My new favorite word.
It describes what I feel most of the time.

Filled

Have you ever felt soo much that it hurts?

It feels like your heart is hurting, literally. It is either full of joy or full of hurt. Full of love or full of hate. The feeling ends up encompassing ever aspect of you. Your mind through your thoughts, your body through your pain. You feel like you are overflowing, so incredibly full. So full that there is dull pain within you, within your heart.

It hurts even if it loves.

To Write or Not to Write

Some people start blogs with themes or ideas they want to share. I started this blog with no clue what I really wanted to write about. I figured the more I wrote the more my goal would reveal itself to me, or I would end up with random un-related posts that would eventually make sense.

So far no such luck. I think my issue is that I do have a lot of ideas that I want to write about but as soon as I sit down to write my mind goes blank. My first thought usually is "what?". The truth is I fear blogging. I fear that I have nothing worth saying, or that no one is listening or that I'm a complete hypocrite, but worst of all I fear having bad grammar. The most common criticism I used to receive on papers in college was that I had used my tenses wrong. I had mix up past, present and future tenses.

Some times my mind just feels so ESL (english as a second language) that it is hard to get out what I really want to say. I probably spend a quarter of my time writing, another quarter of my time thinking and the other half of the time checking my grammar and occasionally I will still end up finding a mistake in a post after it has been posted! Damn it. That one sentence snuck in there.

I often I wish I had my own little English major room-mate at my beck and call to proof read for me like I did in college. Unfortunately, an art degree does nothing for the grammar.

Hello Introvert

This week has been a bit overwhelming even though I only worked 3.5 days out of the week. I took a half day to go to the doctor, and another full day off cause my in-laws are in town. They are here for about 6 days and it is day 5 and I feel tired. Don't get me wrong I get along fine with them. I think it's just I've realized that I'm becoming more and more introverted as I age. Being around people all the time is really taxing and to have people stay with you really seems to drain me. I remember a time when I loved being with people. I was often dubbed "the social butterfly." Now I come to the point in my days where I feel so tired that I don't even want to answer another question or talk at all.. I like to retreat to place alone and just recharge. I think that's the definition of introvert, or at least that's what I remember from the numerous Biola personality tests we were forced to take. I was always extroverted. What now?

Come friends. Come hang out with me before all my extroverted-ness is completely diminished!

The Happiness Project

For my birthday I received the book "The Happiness Project." Although I had not heard of the book my first reaction to the title was "Oh great, is this one of those "be a better you" kind of books?" I have to admit I am not a big fan of self-help books. The idea of bettering yourself and it's about me me me, seems a little overwhelming and frankly, selfish. But honestly the past few months I have felt so discouraged and frustrated that even the title of the book made me think that I've got nothing to lose.

So on this quiet Sunday afternoon, with the sound of Oli sleeping peacefully in the background I decided to give this book a try and I have to say, IT'S AMAZING! I have read two chapters and I love love love it. The first paragraph alone hit me right where I was feeling it. I felt like, well besides the daughter watching tv line (since I have no daughter) the author, Gretchen Rubin, had felt and wrote about feelings I could relate to.

Basically this book is a project, kind of like "Julie and Julia", where the author's end goal is to be happier. Sounds easy enough, right? But it's amazing to find that most people do feel the same way she does. Well at least I do. It is one of those situations where you have so much in life and you are happy but you question, "Why am I not Happ-IER?" Gretchen goes on a 12 month systematic mission to tackle happiness and goals that can make her happier.

I just finished reading January and I'm already inspired to go on, to do my own happiness project. Gretchen's first month focused on boasting energy, whether that is exercise, getting tasks done or sleeping earlier. All little "chores" that combine to improve overall happiness. Off to the gym I go!

Thanks Davina! This book is awesome and exactly what I needed right now!

Embroider Me

Project Number 2: Embroidery

When I was in elementary I used to cross stitch a lot. It wasn't even cross stitch it was embroidery, crocheting, sewing, knitting..the whole works. Recently, my creative urges have come back and I have been itching to do something more than just sitting in front of my computer and moving a mouse around, so I decided to start embroidering again.

I ordered some canvas tote bags and off I went..We'll see what this new "hobby" takes me to. So far it has been a good way to keep my hands busy.

(*This bag I'm embroidering for my sister-in-law's birthday. She is a big Disney fan. Still in the process but I'm working on it.)

What do you want?

Oli asked me what I wanted for my birthday.

All I could think of was this KitchenAid pot and pan set that I had been coveting for the past few months, ever since I accidentally toss my pots in the give away pile when we were moving. But unfortunately my parents already bought that set for me.

So once again Oli asked me "What do you want for your birthday?"
I replied jokingly "A new job." (But not really joking.)

But as I thought long and hard about it, I realized that the things that I really wanted this year were things that Oli, as much as he wanted to, couldn't give me. I want a new job, I want the Lakers to win the championship, I want the holidays and Christmas to come..I want I want I want. In the midst of my child-like mind tantrum I realized that those where things that at this stage are some what out of my control.

I have all I need, and I need all I have (well maybe not entirely, I didn't need that new shirt, or those shoes or that soda..you get the point). But regardless I think the reason it's so hard to think of what I really want this birthday is cause I really do have everything I want, everything that counts in life, my Oli, a loving Family, amazing Friendships, stability, a home, a reliable car, clothes, delicious food, my health..and the list goes on.

So Oli for this Birthday I've concluded I want you wrapped up in wrapping paper with a gingantic bow on top! Truth is that's all I need.